In 2006, at the age of 62, I made an arrangement with my full time employer (in Indonesia) to go onto a 3/4 time arrangement. My thinking was that this would help allow me to adjust to eventual retirement more gracefully. It certainly let me spend more time in the US, where I could begin to understand our mothers’ situations, and help solve their increasing number of logistical problems (related primarily to their growing vulnerability and weakness). It also meant I could see my children and grandchildren more regularly. All in all, it was probably a good idea.
In 2009, at the conclusion of the third year of 3/4 time work, I decided to take another step toward retirement. I did not (and do not) want to completely retire—that would truly drive me mad—-but I did want a) to be more accessible to my family (all three other generations), and b) reduce the quantity and urgency of my work somewhat. This decision meant moving back to the US at the conclusion of my contract in July 2009. During that spring, I realized that these major life changes were likely to involve some considerable stress; and that I should be prepared for a difficult time. I imagined that I would suffer from the loss of the personal meaning that I attach to my work; and that I would experience a degree of culture shock, moving back to the US—as I had read about and heard from others.
I decided that keeping a more regular, daily journal would be a good idea; and that in the journal I should record my feelings. I reasoned that this would help me to remain ‘in touch’ with those feelings, and that this might prevent them from getting out of hand. I also wanted to record the things I cherished about my life in Bogor, where I had lived for about 15 years (longer than any other place on earth). Although I have always kept a journal, I have not generally been as faithful about keeping it as I was during the period of transition, from Bogor to Etna, NY. I also recorded more emotionally positive memories and observations than I usually do. A journal can serve the function of a psychotherapist, as mine often does. During this time, although I did include sadness and irritations, I included much more in a nostalgic vein.
Another oddity was that, during that first year of transition, in Bogor and back in the US, I used third person. I wrote of myself as ‘the old crone’. I kept in mind the feminist writings about the wisdom of old women, and their contributions to the lives of the ensuing generations. This may have helped me to retain an element of detachment from whatever proved difficult.
I think that keeping such a journal helped significantly in making the transition much less painful than I anticipated or than what has been recorded and reported by others. I also believe that these recordings will be a real pleasure for me to read at some point in the future.
Of course, it’s also true that I didn’t really stop working. I wound up, during that first year, having what felt like full time employment (finishing an edited book, writing several articles and chapters for other people’s works; team teaching a course). The editing work allowed me to stay in email contact with many of my colleagues, reducing my potential loneliness; and the teaching allowed me to meet new friends and become immersed to some degree in a new work context. I actually enjoyed my own marginality in both places. It allowed me the flexibility to disappear, when I headed West several times a year for my mother’s care and to see my children and grandchildren.
I found that readjusting to life in the US (after so many years abroad) was actually a pleasure. I loved having my own car and no driver; the good roads delighted me. I reveled in the changing seasons, after so many years in the tropics. The availability of any book I could imagine from Cornell or its partner libraries was an amazing luxury, as were the routine appearance of interesting speakers and more events than one could possibly attend. Shopping and cooking, though sometimes mildly tedious, were easy, quick; and my husband and I could choose what we felt like eating—this was another surprising delight, after years of eating what someone else decided to cook.
The ease with which my adjustment has occurred is partly dependent, of course, on the simple facts of comparatively good health and a financially adequate retirement arrangement. But I think the journal writing smoothed the process significantly too.